Monday, January 21, 2008

Discouraged...

Boy, Things have been rough lately... its no lightning flash horrors... everyone is ok, for the most part, we are moving into our new house this week, etc. But i am just feeling so discouraged. I added a few new sidebar things that i found on Lucy's site, to kind of remind myself what is real. I've been having less than ideal results with my quest to buy furniture on craigslist... not HUGE losses but enough to really make me lose faith in humanity yk? like someone outright lying about the price of an item after we agreed to buy it, another person selling an item right out from under us... packing that never never never ends, and then twisting my ankle, reinjuring my toe that i broke a few months ago, and gouging a huge cut in my knee, all while taking out the garbage last night. I'm tired and worn out and sad, and i feel like i'm losing everything. My dad, who's incidentally the only family i have left, the rest pretty much has written me off, long story, has become someone i promised i'd not allow in my children's lives, someone who shows up on his own time schedule, at his convenience, totally focused around him, and doesn't think about the grandchildren who don't understand why grandpa's just stopping by for a second on the way to somewhere else to drop something off (all this while he's "visiting" from across the country.) I know what that's like. I've dealt with abandonment on so many different levels. And pretty much the one thing that is keeping me from telling him to not come back until he can be decent toward us is the fact that he's the ONLY family i have left.. the only link to my past. Its like, no matter how he treats us, i'm holding on so tightly because i don't want to be alone. Its hard enough coming to terms with the fact that my own mother doesn't want anything to do with me or her grandchildren. OH yeah, and i just found out my best friend is for sure moving to Oregon, the far end of Oregon. I just about cried tonight when Leify toddled over to her door (we are neighbors) and said "Aunty! Auntie!" She's almost as big of a part of his life as I am! Not to mention her dh and children, who are also like family to us. I just feel like i'm losing everything that is important to me. Thank goodness my dh is so great... I know, it will pass, everything will somehow be put back together, but right now i feel like my life is shattered to pieces. I know i need perspective, but its really hard to find it. I could really use your prayers. thanks,
Rebecca

4 comments:

Julie said...

Ah I am so sorry you are having some issues. Just saying hello from Scrapdango! I am loving your blog!

Rebecca Kvenvolden said...

Thank you!! that's great to hear!! :-)

teresamatz said...

I'm so sorry, I wish I could pack you all up and take you with me!!!!!! I say, that if something opens in fedex in the area you should tell andy to take it,,, who cares about your lease!!!!

Carrie said...

You got a lot going on rebecca. So sorry to hear all this. I will be moving again very soon too. Unexpected and I am having trouble finding the right place where I can raise my daughter with her disabilities. Best Wishes!
Carrie